My mattress is suffering from Alzheimer’s … it lost its memory.
In January 2009, I bought a Perfect Night mattress manufactured by the Brazilian subsidiary of Serta Inc., which boasts of being the largest manufacturer of the best mattresses in the world, and also boasts of product quality, in which it claims to use a foam called memory foam developed by NASA, which theoretically always returns to the original format once the pressure exerted on it disappears. Or it should return…
And it is true. The foam developed by NASA actually has memory. I have two pillows in that material that are proof of that. But the foam used by the Brazilian subsidiary does not return to its original form, and with the user’s weight, it caves in forming a hard and uncomfortable depression.
In the website, they state, “Serta is proud to be the manufacturer of the World’s Best Mattress. Our commitment to quality has made us a leader in the industry, and we look forward to helping you to find the right mattress, so you can get a better night’s sleep for years to come.”
It may be true for the U.S. market, where the consumer is more demanding and has ambulance-chasing lawyers who can make of the business life a living hell.
But here, they simply do what they want and sell a second-class product at a price much higher than the head office. I imagine the meeting to launch the product: The marketing manager asks about the strengths and weaknesses of the product. The Production Manager raises the question of the replacement of the foam for similar Chinese low-quality foam can lead to the building of a depression if the user weights more than 90 pounds. The Marketing Manager, experienced, decides to use this defect, turning it into a “quality” of the product, and assigns it the name “Perfect Night, involving model. And to protect the company, he adds this defect in the ten-year warranty waiver, in small print in the documentation.
But, let us go back to the history.
A month after the purchase, the mattress was already deformed, with the sides sunk under the weight of my body and my wife’s. She weighs less than 120 pounds and I weigh 200 pounds.
I complained to the factory in the United States, which gave me the coordinates of the local subsidiary in Sao Joao da Boa Vista, state of Sao Paulo. Well, they were even attentive. They sent an inspector who found the defect and provided a new mattress.
A few months later I am sleeping again sunk into a hard and uncomfortable depression. The mattress has still the same poor quality of the original one, with a too thin layer of foam, and certainly it is not that foam with memory. Or, as I said at the beginning, it developed the Alzheimer’s syndrome.
So, at bedtime every night, buried in a hole, or rather, “involved” by the mattress, I spend hours thinking about the staff of Serta Inc., Serta Brazil, and Sleephouse, shop at Av. Corifeu de Azevedo Marques in Sao Paulo, and come to my mind issues such as adultery, brothels, sexual orientation, technical competence, honesty, false advertising, product quality, etc.. I need to talk immediately with a psychiatrist.
Rolling in bed (and falling all the time in the existing ditch of the mattress) I concluded that the product has been carefully designed, taking into account an ideological motivation: Serta’s owners are deeply religious and concerned about the population explosion and its consequences for the future of humanity. I suspect that they decided to create a special mattress to prevent sexual relationship between couples.
Ingeniously, they created a bulge in the center of the mattress that does not prevent, but makes difficult the contact between the spouses, unlike those cheap mattresses, bought from popular stores at one-tenth the price of the Perfect Night, where the softness of the center plus the force of gravity induce the contact between the spouses, and the subsequent practice of sexual and lustful acts that almost always involve an increase of the poor population.
It is evident that Serta has invested itself is an important mission, namely, preventing the indiscriminate breeding among the population of highest purchasing power. Of course, if you are young and athletic as Tom Brady, and know that the other side of the bulge is Giselle Bundchen, you will not save efforts to overcome the obstacle created by Serta. But in general, and given the trend towards obesity in the population, users cannot get out of their niches, and overcome the central obstacle in pursuit of satisfying their needs.
It is therefore an invaluable service to humanity.
However, in summary, I will not burn the mattress in a public square, especially because it is prohibited and pollutes; I will give it to Manuel, the driver that currently has twelve children and, thus, will collaborate, with the help of Serta, for the reduction of the growth of his family and the humanity.
And I will look for an honest store with competent salespeople that sell good quality products, to replace this piece of crap on which I daily sacrifice my battered skeleton.
Be advised, ye all who hath been here, reading these lines, learn and record the names of this manufacturer and this seller, not to incur in the same troubles.